Tuesday, March 17, 2009

If I Were An Advice Columnist...

Dear Librafury,

My second ex-husband has been in prison since September 2005. He's supposed to be paroled in March 2010. He's been transferred to different correctional facilities throughout the state during his incarceration, and I've taken my little girls and my step-daughter to see him several times when he was being housed in small county jails. This was nothing new to them. I had taken them to see him many times when they were very small, during his short stints at Utah County Jail. Some of the visits went relatively well. He focused on the girls and didn't try to provoke me too much. A couple of the visits went horribly awry and the girls and I all ended up traumatized.

Right now, he's in the prison in Gunnison. Because this is a "prison" and not a "jail", he and his visitors can have actual physical contact, instead of visits through a bullet-proof glass partition. He has asked that I bring the girls for a visit so he can hug them. He hasn't had any physical contact with them since April 2005 when my little ones were put in foster care (he was sent to prison before I regained custody of them). I filled out the application for visitation privileges and returned it to the prison, hoping against hope that they would DENY me as a visitor because of the history of domestic violence and the fact that I was a victim (I HATE that word by the way) of him. Yesterday in the mail, I got my APPROVAL to visit him. Once again, I hold all the cards... I'm forced to decide whether or not to be the "bad guy"... it's up to me. It really always was... I just didn't see it when I was "in" [the relationship].

The last visit the girls and I had with him (last summer) went very well. I don't fear seeing him or even speaking with him. I want the girls to be able to see, speak with, and be hugged by their father. It's not their fault he is the way he is. On the other hand, do I really want to waste one entire day of my finite and rapidly passing life driving 90 miles through The Middle of Nowhere, Utah (no offense to those who live in The Middle of Nowhere, Utah) with two (possibly THREE) whiny, fighting girls in the back seat of the car, and ride herd on said girls during a 2- to 3-hour visit at a PRISON for a person who did his best to destroy me, and PUT HIMSELF in said prison by selling his family down the river for his own selfish, immature reasons? Um.... no. Make that a HELL, NO!

What do YOU think I should do?

Signed, The Hamster Running on Wheels in My Brain
Dear Hamster Brain,

You and I both know that you're not going to take any advice, and you're going to end up doing whatever YOU feel is right, so why are you wasting my time?

Sincerely, Librafury

P.S. Don't forget to get some good anti-anxiety med samples from your doctor before you go to The Middle of Nowhere, Utah!


Suz said...

I am with Librafury, get some anti-anxiety meds. Plus take another adult along for the ride.
*** no sugar for kids, maybe some flavored benedryl, yeah uh-huh.
Love ya.

Boy Mom said...

Oh Librafury, you're rapidly becoming one of my favorite blogs to read. I know why Suz thinks you're awesome.

Dear Hamsterbrain,

The Middle of Nowhere Utah is actually a very beautiful drive. I have a car DVD player you're welcome to borrow for those two squabbling girls.

I think intuitively you know that teaching your daughters to see that there is good and bad in all people,and that they have the choice to love and be loved by the good in their dad and to walk away physically and spiritually from the bad, is the best healing you can offer both for you and them and their dad.

You are a beautiful women and mother.