Control Vs. Equality

The Cycle of Abuse

Accentuate The Positive

...You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene...

Gotta love the '40's big band music... and slogans!

Closure is sad for us all, but it is also very exciting. When one door closes, another opens to new experiences, new opportunities and new possibilities.

As a woman empowered by awareness of her rights and with her boundaries in place, you are no longer vulnerable to needy, controlling relationships.

You can practice letting go of the old identity of being an abuse victim. It is a thing of the past, and now you can move on... as a SURVIVOR.

The temptation is always present to step back into the habits of the past. Remember that one step back and two steps forward are to be expected. D not be angry at yourself when you step back, but dare to wait expectantly for a sense of direction from WITHIN YOURSELF to take the next steps forward.

Confront, don't avoid, temptation. Know yourself and recognize that the temptation of old habits is always an assault on your real identity.

The path to freedom from the past is motivation, forgiveness and LOVE OF YOURSELF, clearly defined goals, decisions made, actions taken, and EMPOWERMENT.

Healthy Relationships

You need and deserve at least a few people in your life with which you have healthy relationships; people whom:

~ You like, respect, and trust, and who like, respect and trust you.

~ Make you feel good about yourself.

~ Listen to you without sharing personal information about you with others.

~ You can tell anything.

~ Allow you to talk freely and express your feelings and emotions without judging you, criticizing you, teasing you, or putting you down.

~ Give you good advice when you want and ask for it, and who will work with you to figure out what to do next in difficult situations.

~ Allow you the space to change, grow, make decisions, and make mistakes.

~ Accept you as you.

Personal Bill of Rights

This is a wonderful list that I suggest be printed off and posted on your bathroom mirror, fridge, car dashboard, anywhere you will see it frequently.

PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

~ You have the right to be you.

~ You have the right to put yourself first.

~ You have the right to be safe.

~ You have the right to love and be loved.

~ You have the right to be treated with respect.

~ You have the right to be human - NOT PERFECT.

~ You have the right to be angry and protest if you are treated unfairly or abusively by anyone.

~ You have the right to your own privacy.

~ You have the right to your own opinions, to express them, and to be taken seriously.

~ You have the right to earn and control your own money.

~ You have the right to ask questions about anything that affects your life.

~ You have the right to make decisions that affect you.

~ You have the right to grow and change, and that includes changing your mind.

~ You have the right to say NO.

~ You have the right to make mistakes.

~ You have the right to NOT be responsible for other adults' problems.

~ You have the right to not be liked by everyone.

~ YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOUR OWN LIFE AND TO CHANGE IT IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH IT AS IT IS!

Blame Vs. Acceptance

BLAME

Women who have been abused often blame themselves for the bad things that have happened to them... things that are not their fault. In addition, others may have blamed them for being abused. In this society, women are often blamed and made to feel guilty for bad things that have happened to them. This lowers their self-esteem and can get in the way of healing and recovery. The following are some of the situations in which women feel they are to blame for the abuse:

~ I was my fault because I was wearing that dress or those shoes, and because I put on makeup.

~ It was my fault because I didn't keep quiet.

~ It was my fault because I cried too much.

~ It was my fault because I didn't keep the house clean enough.

~ It was my fault because I went out with my friends.

AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON.... like hamsters running in wheels in your brain until you drive yourself nutso. You get the picture.



ACCEPTANCE

Sometimes you may feel as though you are stuck... you can't do the things that you want to with your life because of memories, symptoms, thoughts, feeling, and life circumstances that are either a direct or indirect result of the abuse. You may feel as though you are losing your whole life to the abuse. The following are acceptance statements that you can keep to help you through difficult times:

~ I accept the abuse as part of my life story. My journey in working to get over the effects of this abuse has made me strong. Now I am in charge of my own life. I am going to do whatever I need to do to make my life the way I want it to be.

~ The things that happened to me were terrible and should never have happened to me. But they did. Now it is time to get my life back... to be the kind of person I want to be and do the things I want to do.

~ The abuse happened in the past. I am no longer being abused. I am in charge of my life and I am doing the things I want to do. I never have to live that way again.

~ The abuse was then. This is now. I am doing good work in getting over the effects of the abuse. I am ready to move on with my life.

Old Thinking and New Thinking

Most women who are in abusive relationships get stuck in some thinking errors. These thinking errors are to me like computer glitches or viruses. Once they become part of the programming, they infiltrate the hardware and it is very difficult to clean it up and get your computer (read: brain) working in a healthy way.

One way to reprogram my thinking that I found to be the most helpful, was self talk. Yes, you read that correctly. I talked to myself... out loud... and A LOT. Still do sometimes. Did I look crazy? Probably. Did it help me form new ways of thinking? Definitely! Here are some examples of "old" thinking and "new" thinking that may help someone out there.


OLD: I LOVE him!
NEW: I may love him, but that doesn't mean it's in my best interests to stay with him.

OLD: I can't stay away from this person - he is my family after all!
NEW: I can stay away from anyone I want to. I don't have to spend time with people or be where they are just because I am related to them.

OLD: It is best to forgive and forget.
NEW: I need to heal from the bad things that have happened to me. I don't need to forgive anyone I don't wish to, and forgetting is impossible.

OLD: I can't survive without him.
NEW: I can do anything I need to do to take care of myself and support myself.

OLD: I just want the whole family to be together.
NEW: Keeping the whole family together may be a very bad idea. The children are being harmed by witnessing the abuse. One healthy parent is better than two unhealthy ones.

OLD: I must not hurt his feelings.
NEW: I need to take good care of MYSELF. If that means I have to hurt someone else's feelings, I may need to do that.

OLD: If my husband abuses me, I just have to put up with it because if I told someone, it might hurt the feelings of other people in the family and/or those people might be angry with me.
NEW: I can tell anyone I want, including the police, and family members have no right to get angry with me about this. If they are not supportive of me, I need to stay away from them and spend time with people who are supportive.