A Funny Thing Happened at the Prison

About a week prior to the X's birthday, I figured out that his big day fell on a Saturday... visiting day at the prison. Back in June, I had decided not to take the girls to see their father for Father's Day as he had requested due to the fact that I was busy helping my own dad with his house addition, and felt that I should spend Father's Day weekend helping the man who has been there for me through thick and thin and has sacrificed so much for his own children rather than taking my girls to see the man who abused me and neglected them and sold us all down the river for his own hedonistic desires. Now that his birthday was approaching, I thought that I would be nice and take the girls to visit him as a surprise.

I dreaded the visit the entire week. We drove the hour and a half to the prison and then entered... the Karma Zone.

The guard at the front desk looked up X's rap sheet. She said to me, "He was convicted of violation of a protective order." "Was that against you?"

I answered yes.

She said, "You're a victim."

Now this is where I would normally vehemently deny that I was a "victim". I would proudly state that I was a "survivor". But I wasn't in the mood to argue symantics with this tough looking female guard. I knew what she meant. I HAD BEEN a victim of X.

I told her that when I had filled out the request to be on X's visiting list, I had marked "YES" on the question that asked if I was a victim of this inmate.

She said that if she had been the one to intially approve me as his visitor, then she deserved to be kicked. She got on the phone and had someone pull X's file. The form I had sent did indeed have a check mark beside "YES" on the victim question. However, she hadn't approved me... someone else had. She then proceeded to inform me that I should never have been approved as X's visitor, and she would remove me from his list.

Then she said, "He was also convicted of domestic violence in the presence of children." "Are these the children?"

I again answered yes.

She then informed me that she would also be taking them off his visiting list. I think she thought I would be disappointed or try to talk her into leaving us on the list. I think she thought this would be bad news. I told her that this was great. Now I wouldn't have to take them to see him... and I couldn't even let his mother or other member of his family take them to see him. They COULDN'T visit him. And best of all... I wasn't going to be the "bad guy" in this. The system would be.

She walked me out to my car and apologized for breaking the girls' hearts. I looked in the back seat of the car, and they didn't look the least bit brokenhearted. They were playing and laughing. I think it was a relief for them also.

She and I had a smoke together and discussed domestic violence and our experiences with it. I gave her the URL for Our Place and told her that it is a great resource to pass on to victims of abuse.

The girls and I had a pleasant drive home, and I felt very relieved. I only had a tinge of regret that we didn't get to see him because, after all, it was his birthday. But it wasn't MY doing. Yay! I get to let someone else take the blame.

Karma is sweet!

Vegas Baby! / June Highlights

My sister and I made the journey to Sin City the first weekend in June for a retreat. The retreat was for people involved in several abuse-related websites. I first became a member of a certain verbal abuse website forum back in April 2003, and have gotten to know these people over the past six years. One of the amazing members of that website created her own forum a few years ago (http://thenextrightchoice.com/forums). Thanks, Carly! Then last fall there were some strange happenings on the original forum (that I won't name here) and the wonderful and wise administrators created their own website and forum and many of us jumped ship and made our way to Our Place (the link is at the top left corner of my blog just under the header).

Emily, Ken and I at Harrah's

The retreat was held at the Imperial Palace and arranged by Carly... Thanks again, Carly!

Carly winning "big"

There were a total of ten of us there. Two from the Southern California area, three from the Las Vegas area, one from Louisianna, one from Maryland, one from New York (via England via Australia), and my sister and I from Utah. It was so great to get to meet these amazing people in person after "knowing" them from the forum for so long. We rode to the top of the Eifel Tower,



went to the karaoke bar at the Imperial Palace,

At the Karaoke Bar

watched the fountain show at The Bellagio and toured the Bellagio gardens. We went to Fremont Street and enjoyed a free concert and the light shows.



Rode the monorail and best of all, had a private brunch where we were able to all sit around and talk.

Brunch in the Koko Room

Everyone there was so warm, kind, intelligent, and fun. And everyone there was a survivor of domestic abuse. These beautiful people are a testament that there IS life after abuse and it's a GOOD LIFE.

It was a wonderful trip. I enjoyed driving down with and sharing a room with my sister. We haven't been to Vegas together since 1998.

Ken and his Harley

LOVE his license plate!

I ended up gambling very little. I won about $10 on a Kenny Rogers slot machine, and then lost $20 in one quick swoop on the roulette table. All in all it was a great retreat.

Thunder Cats and Black Eyes / May Highlights

"You Want a Cat?"

That's what my dad said to me as soon as I got out of my car at his house Memorial Day weekend. My dad's outdoor cat had another litter of kittens. They really need to fork out the $30 and have the cat spayed. Anyhoo, he had been so busy with the house addition that he didn't even know Midnight had had kittens until they were about four weeks old and he found them in the shed while he was in there searching for something... the man keeps EVERYTHING. You never know when you may need this... But I digress.

He informed me that there were four or maybe five kittens out in the shed. I should have known better than to even look. I have such an affinity for cats... especially kittens with their big bobble heads and short spikey tails. Of course I HAD to save one of them. The rest would end up feral strays. The only one I managed to coax out of hiding and grab was a little solid black one who looked just like his mother. Luckily he was a male because that's what I wanted. We named him Lucky, but we usually call him "The Little Guy".



This picture was taken just a week or so ago. I'll have to find my other data card from the camera and post some pics of when he was tiny. He and Timmy are buddies. They clean each other and nap together and best of all wrestle and chase each other around the house. They're so loud we started calling them "Thunder Cats" (HO!).

Don't Mess with The TABLE!

I was getting my brother's trailer ready for him to take camping for Memorial Day weekend. It had been parked in my driveway for a month or so and the girls had been camping out in it on the weekends. I had the table upside down on the bed and was attempting to fold down the legs of the table. I was pushing the locking mechanism and pulling on the leg... and nothing was happening... so I hit the leg in the direction it was supposed to go and it CLOSED... and hit my eye on its way down.

I immediately thought I'd put my eye out because I couldn't see out of it and all I could feel was blinding pain. But I just ended up with a deep bruised cheekbone that STILL hurts now at the end of July! For a couple weeks, I had this sore, puffed up, "black" eye going on. It was a uncomfortable, but not unbearably painful. It wasn't my first shiner, and it probably won't be my last.



and a close-up




Here's the thing though... it's the first black eye I've had in over four years.... the four years since I left X. That first morning with the black eye, I actually thought about trying to cover it up somehow with makeup... or trying to get away with wearing my sunglasses all day without anyone getting suspicious... WTF? I figured out it was just the old memories of having a black eye and all that entailed back then. The same kind of feelings come up when I get bruises on my upper arms. I think about wearing longer sleeve shirts to hide them... like I did back then.

I really had to fight those feelings that first week... especially the first day because Maya had her school program that morning and I was there with all the other parents... hoping that they didn't think I was in an abusive relationship... feeling that same SHAME that I used to feel going out in public with a black eye or bruised cheekbone. I shouldn't have felt shame back then, and I certainly shouldn't have felt it because of a completely accidental table-folding incident. Ah, the joys of PTSD. The gift that keeps on giving.

April Highlights

Since I've been missing from the blog world for awhile, and there's no way to really catch up, I'll have to do a quick run-down on the highlights and/or lowlights of the past few months in a couple quick and possibly concise posts.

We headed to The Middle of Nowhere, Utah, so the girls could visit their father in prison. yay... The drive was only about an hour and a half and the visit actually went very well. The dude is still living in his own version of reality though. Still says he's hoping that I'll eventually take him back. I almost bit through my tongue to keep from laughing hysterically. Yep, dude, you can beat me down for SIX YEARS until I'm nothing but a shell of my former self... until I'm scared of my own shadow... until I have lost EVERYTHING... until I'm plagued by PTSD and a moderate form of agoraphobia... and you still think I'm going to "get over it" and give you the opportunity to do it to me AGAIN?!!! I practice forgiveness daily with this one. I practice taking responsibility for my own choices daily for the mess I allowed my life to become. I practice doing things outside my current comfort zone daily. And, most importantly, I practice NOT ENGAGING with a lunatic. I let him say whatever he wants and believe whatever he wants... he's not my concern anymore. Personally, I think he's brain damaged.

After the visit, we drove another hour and a half to another part of The Middle of Nowhere, Utah, to a cute little campground I found online, and stayed in a cute little cabin.



Thank goodness we didn't tent it, becase it was SNOWING. We did, however, cook hot dogs and s'mores in the fire pit. The girls did their native "Snow Go Away" dance around the fire... and sure enough, the snow stopped. We played Clue and Uno to pass the time without the beloved television. :)

The next morning we headed through Capitol Reef and stopped along the way several times to hike and take photos.



We then drove another hour and a half to yet another part of The Middle of Nowhere, Utah (most of Utah is The Middle of Nowhere). We hiked around Goblin Valley and had a lot of fun. It was the first time the girls had been there. They loved posing under...



next to...




and on top of...





...the "goblins".

We drove out to Little Wild Horse Canyon and just when we got to the entrance, it started raining, so we bagged it and headed home.






All in all, it was a nice mini-cation.

Control Vs. Equality

The Cycle of Abuse

Accentuate The Positive

...You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene...

Gotta love the '40's big band music... and slogans!

Closure is sad for us all, but it is also very exciting. When one door closes, another opens to new experiences, new opportunities and new possibilities.

As a woman empowered by awareness of her rights and with her boundaries in place, you are no longer vulnerable to needy, controlling relationships.

You can practice letting go of the old identity of being an abuse victim. It is a thing of the past, and now you can move on... as a SURVIVOR.

The temptation is always present to step back into the habits of the past. Remember that one step back and two steps forward are to be expected. D not be angry at yourself when you step back, but dare to wait expectantly for a sense of direction from WITHIN YOURSELF to take the next steps forward.

Confront, don't avoid, temptation. Know yourself and recognize that the temptation of old habits is always an assault on your real identity.

The path to freedom from the past is motivation, forgiveness and LOVE OF YOURSELF, clearly defined goals, decisions made, actions taken, and EMPOWERMENT.

April is Domestic Violence Awareness Month!

Since April is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I'm planning on posting domestic violence statistics and articles throughout this month. Chances are very good that someone you are close to has been, is currently, or will at some time be involved in an abusive relationship. These are just the facts. Domestic abuse happens within all races and ethnicities; all religions; all economic classes; either sex; and either hetero- or homosexual relationships... One can NOT define someone as being "low class", "uneducated", "poor" or ANY other stereotype because they are or have been in an abusive relationship.

Today, I'm going to focus on information I found on the Utah Domestic Violence Annual Report that was published in January 2005 by the Governor's Violence Against Women and Families Cabinet Council. I made sure prior to reproducing and distributing this information here that I could do so without permission (wouldn't want to get in trouble with the law or anything). I'm starting with Utah because it's where I've lived my entire life.

Domestic violence is one of the fastest growing and most serious violent crimes in Utah today. Over the past few years the frequency and intensity of this abuse has increased. Countless victims and survivors of domestic violence are enduring more severe beatings and life threatening situations than those in years past. In Utah, domestic violence is becoming more aggressive and brutal.

Domestic violence encompasses all races, ethnic groups, educational levels, social and economic classes, sexual orientations, religions, gender and physical and mental abilities. Domestic violence is unspoken and often faceless. For many people, it is hidden and rarely discussed in public. Many individuals don't recognize it as a public issue that significantly impacts communities, families, and individuals. It is quiet in our conversations and that secret speaks volumes for the continuation of domestic violence.

This violence is characterized as a systematic pattern of physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse, which is predominantly directed by men against women. Rather than a series of independent acts or events, it is most often part of a process in which the perpetrator maintains control and domination over the victim...

I found this report very interesting because it focuses on the year 2004. That is the year in which I escaped the abusive relationship I was in. The following is some information from the same report concerning the Utah domestic violence shelters, specifically in the year 2004:

In Utah,sixteen domestic violence shelters provide services to victims and survivors. From these shelters during 2004, one thousand five hundred ninety-two (1,592) families requesting DV Shelter were referred to other communities because their local shelters were full.

See the highlighted line for Provo? See the 432 clients sheltered? Three of those were Maya, Penelope and me. See the 5,256 days of service? 108 of those days belonged to us (36 days for each of us).

I was lucky. My local shelter had room for my daughters and me when it was my CHANCE to escape. After I arrived there, the place was almost filled to capacity. Most of the 36 days I lived there, the shelter was at or above capacity. I was lucky that I didn't have to wait for enough beds for the girls and me. Most women KNOW when it's time to get out... and there is no room for error or waiting on room at the shelter. If I had been referred to another shelter in another county, I would have been stranded there in that county once I returned my father's truck to him. That would have terrified me. It was scary enough to rely on the bus system after having had my own car since I was 16, but to have to learn a whole new county's bus routing system... or worse yet, be in a county with NO bus system and NO vehicle and NO money... I don't know if I would have made it.

I will be forever grateful to the Utah County Center for Women and Children in Crisis. It was a safe haven for my girls and me. I made many friends there, and received free counseling, free food, free diapers for Penelope, free second-hand clothing for my girls and myself. Free tampons... something to think about here... how we take for granted having a few bucks to buy necessary feminine hygiene products every month... when you don't have a place to live or money for food, those donated hygiene products are worth their weight in GOLD, I tell ya.

During this month, I'm going to be assigning homework to all my loyal readers (all two or three of you! lol). I'll be doing the homework assignments also. Anyway, I will be posting a list on my sidebar, and will be adding to it each day. The items on the list will be things that will go into care packages for the women and children at the Provo, Utah, women's shelter. If you would like to help me out, check the list and find, purchase or make any or all of the items on the list. At the end of the month, I will be putting the packages together. If you live near me, and want to help with that task, just leave me a comment on my blog and let me know. I know a few of you don't live near me and may still want to help out. If so, you could make your own care package(s) and donate it/them to your local shelter. Remember: Think Globally ~ ACT Locally! Thanks in advance!

Scars and Forgiveness

"It has been said, "time heals all wounds". I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." ~ Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

This is one of my favorite quotes. I have scars. There are a bunch from my bout with chicken pox when I was ten. There's the one on the back of my leg from a childhood accident involving a shoe rack. There are a few small surgical scars and various other small, insignificant ones. Time healed those wounds... healed them well enough that it doesn't even cause me pain to touch the scars that cover them.

I have other scars too. Ones that can't be seen. They tie my stomach in knots, make my head spin, leave me fighting to catch my breath as if I had the wind knocked out of me. These are the scars that cause me grief. They will never fully heal. I picture myself old and decrepit, hobbling around my house with the physical pains of age... and those pains being overpowered still by the emotional wounds of a young woman. This young woman, completely ignorant of the "red flags" all abusers wave, who walked... no RAN... headfirst into a relationship with a sociopath.

These awful wounds were not caused by this man. They weren't caused by any of the horrible things he said or did. I feel no shame about HIS actions. I have healed enough to understand that his actions speak NOTHING of me. They speak VOLUMES about him and the kind of person he is. The wounds he inflicted upon me cause me discomfort at times, but no real pain.

What does cause the gut-wrenching anguish are the choices I made... and the fact that my children, my BABIES, carry the scars of my choices. They had NO CHOICE. I let them down. I didn't protect them. I didn't fight for them. I allowed someone else to use manipulation and control to dictate my actions. I wish I could take it all back... I wish I could have gotten my head on straight and DONE something at the time. God, what was I thinking? How could I have fucked up so badly?!

It's been almost ten years... I'm still having such a difficult time forgiving myself. Why is it that I've managed to forgive HIM, forgive my mother for her part in the whole thing, forgive the lawyers and the social workers who were "just doing their jobs", and I still haven't been able to forgive ME?

Obviously, I don't think I deserve it. Forget about whether or not my children will forgive me. I don't deserve their forgiveness. I pray that their lives will be happy and full despite MY choices.

"Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past." ~Unknown

Another one of my favorite quotes. I suppose I should stop working on the time machine in my closet.