"Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are."
Chinese Proverb
"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once."
Jennifer Yane
Apparently I have stress. Who knew? No, really. Everyone has stress. I honestly didn’t think that my stress was so bad that my blood pressure would try to kill me because of it. Seriously, I don’t think my stress level has very much to do with my current blood pressure situation. I think that is mainly genetics and possibly something funky going on with my body that the doctors haven’t figured out yet. I’ve been WAY more stressed out in the past than I am now. I look at my life now, and it’s pretty good. Especially if you compare it to the years 1999 to 2006. Now THAT was some serious stress! Maybe my mind has evolved and adapted to the level of stress out of sheer necessity and my body is paying the price. Family and friends keep telling me that I’m stressed.
I don’t FEEL stressed out. Okay, in the mornings (5:30-7:30), getting ready for work, getting ornery kids ready for school, packing their lunches, finding their shoes, jackets, etc. (usually in the dark) – but that’s a short-lived period of stress. It is the most stressful and despised part of my day, but it’s over quickly. Once I’m on my way to work (even through rush hour traffic), I’m good. Work doesn’t stress me out. It’s just work. It’s not personal. However, STARTING new jobs stresses me out to no end. I’ve started three new jobs in the past two years. That’s never happened to me before. Also, LOSING jobs stresses me out to no end. I’ve lost three jobs in the past two years. Another strange occurrence for my life.
If you read my last post, especially as an outsider, you may see a lot of stressors in my life in the last two years. If you know me personally, then you know all the intense stress (hell) I lived through from 1999 through 2006 makes the last two years look like a day at the beach. I have grown accustomed to the PTSD, the depression, the anxiety, to the point that I barely notice it anymore. Except for the constant and unyielding fatigue. Everything feels like too much effort and too much energy for me to exert. I wonder if I’ll ever again get to a point in my life where I want to do anything besides lie down and rest. Right now, my main goal is to live as much like a hermit as possible.
I strive to live in denial. Let me repeat that… I STRIVE to live in denial. The more I think about the stressors in my life, the more stressed out I become, and that can’t be good. So I don’t think about the stressors. I pull a Scarlett O’Hara. “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” Here’s the twist. I have gotten so good at not thinking about the things I can’t change, I don’t even give much thought anymore to the things I actually CAN change. Dirty dishes and laundry? Bills piling up? Dinner? Trash can overflowing? I don’t have the energy to care. I’ve even given up on wearing makeup and doing anything with my hair besides brushing the snarls out of it before work.
Work. W-O-R-K. What a glorious word. I love having a job. I am so grateful that I am employed again and that I feel comfortable and capable and appreciated where I work now. All those months of being unemployed, I knew that a JOB was not going to magically fix everything in my life, but it sure does fix a lot of things. It may add a small amount of stress to my days, but it relieves a huge amount of stress from my life.
I now have INCOME. We will be able to get our own place again and move out of the in-laws’ basement. We all have medical and dental insurance again. I will no longer feel like useless lump of parasitic flesh. I no longer feel as if I’m in some long-term limbo, never being able to plan past tomorrow. I’m getting into a daily routine, and for ME and my personality, that’s a very necessary thing. I need structure and stability in at least one part of my otherwise chaotic life. This is all good.
If I could just get my blood pressure to believe it.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Catsup? Ketchup? Catch Up?
I haven’t really written anything here in over TWO YEARS! Not that I have much of a following, but I know it felt really good for me to blog frequently. It is good for me to write. Too much has happened to truly “catch up”, but I’m going to try to at least give a brief rundown of the high points and low points of the past two years without many details, of course.
08/30/09 – My husband, Corbin turned 32
09/03/09 – My oldest daughter, Danielle turned 19
09/09/09 – Corbin and I got married in Las Vegas. We took Anthony, Maya and Penelope with us for a small vacation. Dirk and Emily took a vacation in Vegas the same week and brought their girls with them. They also arranged for a condo in the same unit as theirs for my parents to stay for a couple days. Corbin’s mom, sister and brother-in-law also came for the wedding. Our good friends, Burton and Julie travelled down to be there with us also.
09/14/09 – My youngest child, Penelope turned 7
09/16/09 – Corbin’s father died suddenly and unexpectedly
10/07/09 – I “celebrated” my 39th birthday
10/24/09 – Danielle and Tyson were married in Spanish Fork, Utah
11/09/09 – My oldest child, Anthony turned 21
11/23/09 – I lost my amazing job
January 2010 – Our car was repossessed for the first time. We managed to get it back.
04/06/10 – I started a job as a store manager for a dry cleaning chain
04/24/10 – My second daughter, Maya turned 10
May 2010 – Our car was repossessed for the second time. Once again, we managed to get it back.
07/30/10 – I lost my job at the dry cleaners. It was kind of a relief because I absolutely despised the owners and believe that they have no business trying to run a business.
8/30/10 – Corbin turned 33
9/03/10 – Danielle turned 20
9/09/10 – Corbin and I had our first anniversary
9/14/10 – Penelope turned 8
9/17/10 – Anthony had to move to Henderson, Nevada, to live with his dad and step-mom because he needed insurance coverage due to his medical problems, and his step-mom has great benefits through her job.
September 2010 – Corbin, Maya, Penelope and I moved in with Corbin’s mom and step-dad. We had barely made rent since November, and with my being unemployed yet again, we knew it would be impossible to keep up with any bills and also pay as much rent as our duplex was. We stayed one month past our year lease. I really miss living in my old neighborhood close to my parents’ house and close to the elementary school the girls liked so much, but you do what you have to do.
10/07/10 – I turned the big FOUR-OH (40)
11/09/10 – Anthony turned 22
12/25/10 – Welfare Christmas for the girls yet again… My whole family was together for Christmas though, and that was fantastic. Brandon flew in from Wisconsin and Anthony was in town with his dad and step-mom.
January 2011 – Our car was repossessed for the final time. We called the finance company and told them to come get it. Then it was about two months of walking and riding the bus in the middle of a pretty harsh Utah winter.
02/28/11 – With some of our tax refund, we purchased a 2000 Pontiac Grand Am. It was great to be mobile again.
03/19/11 – I met my biological father, Lee, for the first time. I also met his wife, Kate, and his mother, Shirley. This is definitely something I will elaborate more on in the future.
04/01/11 – Danielle had her baby shower on April Fool’s Day. At this get-together, I got to meet my half-brother, Todd; his wife, Liz, and their kids.
04/02/11 – I met my step-brother, Peter
04/15/11 – Danielle gave birth to Addalie Martha Sabin, my adorable granddaughter. I was lucky enough to get to be in the room when she was born.
04/24/11 – Maya turned 11
04/24/11 – Easter Sunday fell on Maya’s birthday this year. It turns out that April 24 is also my father, Lee’s birthday. We had an Easter/birthday dinner at his home and I finally got to meet my half-sister, Brandy, her husband, George and their daughter. I also met Jenni and her daughters. Jenni is married to my step-brother, Phil, who was recently deployed.
06/05/11 – I broke my own arm while trying to open the blocked storage unit door in order to retrieve Danielle’s old blessing dress that she wanted Addalie to wear for her blessing the next week.
06/12/11 – Addalie’s blessing at my parent’s house. I invited my “other” family also. Lee, Kate, Grandma Shirley, Pete, Todd, Liz and the kids came. Anthony and Brandon were both in town also. Big family get-together with my dad’s awesome Dutch oven baked in the fire pit in the back yard.
07/10/11 – My mom fell and broke her arm/dislocated her shoulder. She ended up having surgery on it and now has a couple plates and numerous screws in her arm. She had to spend a couple weeks in a rehabilitation center after her surgery also.
08/08/11 – I started working at Provo City. I thought this job was my dream job. They didn’t even give me a chance. Three full days of training, and they gave me the boot because I wasn’t as good at this new job as the woman who had worked there for three years. Ummmm…. Three days…. Three years…. Can you say “learning curve”???? I’m still bitter about this whole thing.
08/25/11 – I interviewed for an office position with the Department of Corrections
08/29/11 – I was pleasantly surprised by being offered the position with the Department of Corrections
08/30/11 – Corbin turned 34
09/02/11 – My dentist couldn’t perform a procedure on my tooth to get it to stop aching because my blood pressure was too high (170/105). He instructed me to see my doctor ASAP.
09/03/11 – Danielle turned 21
09/04/11 – My brother, Joel (who is a paramedic) took my blood pressure for me and told me to go to the hospital because it was unbelievably high (216/120). I went to the hospital and they told me to get in to see my doctor ASAP.
09/06/11 – I started working at the Department of Corrections
09/07/11 – I saw my doctor about my blood pressure. He put me on some meds.
09/09/11 – Corbin’s and my Second Anniversary
09/14/11 – Penelope turned 9
09/15/11 – Another doctor visit about the blood pressure. It was still in the 165/110 area after a week on medication, so he doubled my doses.
09/24/11 – After a week on double doses, my blood pressure finally got down (one time) to 131/92. Hopefully it will continue to go down into the normal range.
TWO-YEAR RECAP: Got married; oldest daughter got married; lost THREE jobs; started THREE jobs; car repossessed THREE times; son moved out of state; moved into in-laws’ basement; met my biological father and that side of the family; became a grandmother; broke my arm; mom broke her arm/dislocated her shoulder/had surgeries; found out my blood pressure is suddenly unbelievably high…. any connection?
08/30/09 – My husband, Corbin turned 32
09/03/09 – My oldest daughter, Danielle turned 19
09/09/09 – Corbin and I got married in Las Vegas. We took Anthony, Maya and Penelope with us for a small vacation. Dirk and Emily took a vacation in Vegas the same week and brought their girls with them. They also arranged for a condo in the same unit as theirs for my parents to stay for a couple days. Corbin’s mom, sister and brother-in-law also came for the wedding. Our good friends, Burton and Julie travelled down to be there with us also.
09/14/09 – My youngest child, Penelope turned 7
09/16/09 – Corbin’s father died suddenly and unexpectedly
10/07/09 – I “celebrated” my 39th birthday
10/24/09 – Danielle and Tyson were married in Spanish Fork, Utah
11/09/09 – My oldest child, Anthony turned 21
11/23/09 – I lost my amazing job
January 2010 – Our car was repossessed for the first time. We managed to get it back.
04/06/10 – I started a job as a store manager for a dry cleaning chain
04/24/10 – My second daughter, Maya turned 10
May 2010 – Our car was repossessed for the second time. Once again, we managed to get it back.
07/30/10 – I lost my job at the dry cleaners. It was kind of a relief because I absolutely despised the owners and believe that they have no business trying to run a business.
8/30/10 – Corbin turned 33
9/03/10 – Danielle turned 20
9/09/10 – Corbin and I had our first anniversary
9/14/10 – Penelope turned 8
9/17/10 – Anthony had to move to Henderson, Nevada, to live with his dad and step-mom because he needed insurance coverage due to his medical problems, and his step-mom has great benefits through her job.
September 2010 – Corbin, Maya, Penelope and I moved in with Corbin’s mom and step-dad. We had barely made rent since November, and with my being unemployed yet again, we knew it would be impossible to keep up with any bills and also pay as much rent as our duplex was. We stayed one month past our year lease. I really miss living in my old neighborhood close to my parents’ house and close to the elementary school the girls liked so much, but you do what you have to do.
10/07/10 – I turned the big FOUR-OH (40)
11/09/10 – Anthony turned 22
12/25/10 – Welfare Christmas for the girls yet again… My whole family was together for Christmas though, and that was fantastic. Brandon flew in from Wisconsin and Anthony was in town with his dad and step-mom.
January 2011 – Our car was repossessed for the final time. We called the finance company and told them to come get it. Then it was about two months of walking and riding the bus in the middle of a pretty harsh Utah winter.
02/28/11 – With some of our tax refund, we purchased a 2000 Pontiac Grand Am. It was great to be mobile again.
03/19/11 – I met my biological father, Lee, for the first time. I also met his wife, Kate, and his mother, Shirley. This is definitely something I will elaborate more on in the future.
04/01/11 – Danielle had her baby shower on April Fool’s Day. At this get-together, I got to meet my half-brother, Todd; his wife, Liz, and their kids.
04/02/11 – I met my step-brother, Peter
04/15/11 – Danielle gave birth to Addalie Martha Sabin, my adorable granddaughter. I was lucky enough to get to be in the room when she was born.
04/24/11 – Maya turned 11
04/24/11 – Easter Sunday fell on Maya’s birthday this year. It turns out that April 24 is also my father, Lee’s birthday. We had an Easter/birthday dinner at his home and I finally got to meet my half-sister, Brandy, her husband, George and their daughter. I also met Jenni and her daughters. Jenni is married to my step-brother, Phil, who was recently deployed.
06/05/11 – I broke my own arm while trying to open the blocked storage unit door in order to retrieve Danielle’s old blessing dress that she wanted Addalie to wear for her blessing the next week.
06/12/11 – Addalie’s blessing at my parent’s house. I invited my “other” family also. Lee, Kate, Grandma Shirley, Pete, Todd, Liz and the kids came. Anthony and Brandon were both in town also. Big family get-together with my dad’s awesome Dutch oven baked in the fire pit in the back yard.
07/10/11 – My mom fell and broke her arm/dislocated her shoulder. She ended up having surgery on it and now has a couple plates and numerous screws in her arm. She had to spend a couple weeks in a rehabilitation center after her surgery also.
08/08/11 – I started working at Provo City. I thought this job was my dream job. They didn’t even give me a chance. Three full days of training, and they gave me the boot because I wasn’t as good at this new job as the woman who had worked there for three years. Ummmm…. Three days…. Three years…. Can you say “learning curve”???? I’m still bitter about this whole thing.
08/25/11 – I interviewed for an office position with the Department of Corrections
08/29/11 – I was pleasantly surprised by being offered the position with the Department of Corrections
08/30/11 – Corbin turned 34
09/02/11 – My dentist couldn’t perform a procedure on my tooth to get it to stop aching because my blood pressure was too high (170/105). He instructed me to see my doctor ASAP.
09/03/11 – Danielle turned 21
09/04/11 – My brother, Joel (who is a paramedic) took my blood pressure for me and told me to go to the hospital because it was unbelievably high (216/120). I went to the hospital and they told me to get in to see my doctor ASAP.
09/06/11 – I started working at the Department of Corrections
09/07/11 – I saw my doctor about my blood pressure. He put me on some meds.
09/09/11 – Corbin’s and my Second Anniversary
09/14/11 – Penelope turned 9
09/15/11 – Another doctor visit about the blood pressure. It was still in the 165/110 area after a week on medication, so he doubled my doses.
09/24/11 – After a week on double doses, my blood pressure finally got down (one time) to 131/92. Hopefully it will continue to go down into the normal range.
TWO-YEAR RECAP: Got married; oldest daughter got married; lost THREE jobs; started THREE jobs; car repossessed THREE times; son moved out of state; moved into in-laws’ basement; met my biological father and that side of the family; became a grandmother; broke my arm; mom broke her arm/dislocated her shoulder/had surgeries; found out my blood pressure is suddenly unbelievably high…. any connection?
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