On Aging

I hate that I’m getting old. Truly. I think I hit my peak at 35. That’s when I felt the best about the way I looked and I actually felt the best physically. Ironically, that’s when I escaped my second husband and my emotional/mental state was in tatters. My physical state has been all downhill since then. I’ve put on approximately 60 pounds. SIXTY!!! I am always tired. I can get eight hours of sleep, wake up, have a smoke with a cup of coffee and be ready for a nap. I’ve become super reclusive, feeling like it’s just too much effort and energy to even keep up my end of a conversation, let alone make myself presentable and go out in public.

I know I’m really not “old”. My grandma is “old”. She’s 97 and still lives in her own home by herself, still makes quilts, sews and does clothing alterations. My dad is kind of “old”. He’s 76 and still working full time in a physically demanding job, taking care of my none-too-healthy mom, tending to his huge garden, and basically running from 5:00 a.m. to after 10:00 p.m. every day. I’m not “old” old. I’m middle-aged. But I FEEL old. And I’m starting to LOOK old. I don’t think I’ve ever looked fantastic, but THIS… the way I look now… is downright disheartening.

I’m a grandma now. When I think of me as a grandma, I think of this:




I don’t think I look quite THAT old, but give me a couple years. I’m slipping down that old age slope quicker than shit on a shovel. And this post is my own shameless bitch and moan pity party about age and those damn hormones and the havoc they are wreaking on my body.

1. MY HAIR: Not only are the course, wiry, gray hairs invading my scalp, my dark hair is falling out at an alarming rate.

2. MY FACE: Permanent, deep creases in my forehead, crows feet around my eyes, frown lines around my mouth, vertical lines on my upper lip. Droopy, puffy eyelids, giant pores and broken blood vessels combined with my old freckles, some new age spots and an occasional pimple… REALLY? I’ve got all the wrinkles and loss of elasticity and STILL have to deal with acne at my age? You’ve GOT to be kidding! Plus, I’ve developed a really nice growth of fine, white peach-like fuzz all over my face, so now, instead of just waxing my upper lip and plucking my eyebrows about EVERY OTHER DAY, I need to start having my ENTIRE FACE waxed frequently! Fabulous! And could I HAVE any more nose hair?! I’ve had to get that waxed for the last few years already. My earlobes are getting droopy and have permanent lines radiating out from where I have piercing holes. God, I hope I don’t have gross ear hair growing in there too. I wouldn’t know because I can’t see in my own ears, but with my luck, I probably do.

3. MY NECK: Okay, to be fair, I’ve hated my neck since I was about 13, so it’s not just an “age” thing. However, gravity isn’t helping any! I don’t have a decent jaw line and so I always look like I have a double chin. YES, EVEN WHEN I AM SUPER THIN. It isn’t a weight thing, although when I am overweight (as I have been for a few years now), it looks even worse than normal. I look like a giant toad with its throat all puffed out. EWWWW!



And short of plastic surgery (where the doctors literally lace up my neck muscles like a SHOE through an incision under my tongue and then suck out all the extra fat with a sterile shop vac thingy, then cut off the extra skin and staple everything up behind my ears), which I don’t have the money or time for, there is NOTHING that can be done. My neck wattle has been the NUMBER ONE thing I detest about my physical appearance for close to 30 YEARS. You would think that I would be used to it by now and just ACCEPT it, but it has been the one CONSTANT source of unhappiness about my physical self, and like everything else, OLD AGE is making it worse.

4. MY MOUTH: I had a tooth die on me several years ago when I had no insurance and couldn’t afford a root canal/crown. It crumbled and I was left with the root, which had to be pulled. Now my right side is my “redneck” side (big missing tooth right behind my canine tooth). I have also managed to grind my teeth down to jagged, chipped stumps due to my constantly clenching my jaw shut because it’s the only thing I’ve found that makes my TURKEY NECK look less like a turkey neck. I need crowns on eight of my front teeth just to make them look decent. And those puppies are pricey.




5. MY FRONT TORSO: Large, somewhat saggy and severely stretch-marked twins (the right of which has a funky scar from a lumpectomy when I was in my twenties). Stomach matches boobs in that it’s large and severely stretch-marked. It also looks like I am currently expecting another kid regardless of the fact that I got “fixed” several years ago. Even when I was super thin in my thirties, my belly had the texture and consistency of an old, deflated balloon half filled with chunky vomit. I find it very difficult to find anything to appreciate in the stretch marks that run from my stomach to my upper thighs and around and across my inordinately large ass. That area looks like a living, breathing, three-dimensional map of the Mississippi River and its tributaries.



6. MY BACK TORSO: Apparently it’s in my genetic disposition to carry a LOT of my weight on my back. Fat rolls encasing more fat rolls. Sun damaged and dry like the Sahara because I can’t reach all the way around there to put on lotion. And if I didn’t feel self-conscious enough about myself, when I asked my little girls to apply some lotion to my back, they asked if we had any RUBBER GLOVES! Apparently my own children are repulsed by me. Ingrates.




7. MY ARMS: Covered with freckles, tiny scars and now tiny bumps. Yay! My upper arms measure about the same as a normal woman’s THIGHS. I am NOT kidding. My elbows are constantly dry and cracked no matter how much I exfoliate and lubricate. My hands look like they belong to Ebenezer Scrooge. Like my elbows, no amount of care or expense of products will make them look and feel like they should.



8. MY ASS: Let me just say that I am SO embarrassed by the look of my butt, that I would literally rather flash my tits to someone than moon them. And then there’s the extra kick in my huge, cellulite-ridden buttocks… the fact that they seem to be growing increasingly hairy by the freakin’ day. When I shave, I end up with a TON of shave bumps/razor burn and several ingrown hairs which make it look even more horrifying! I could get my butt waxed every few weeks, or laser hair removal, but those solutions would require a lot of money I don’t have and, even worse… allowing someone else to witness the terror that is my ass.




9. MY LEGS: I possess the thighs of a 300 pound person. True Story! My upper thighs are so out of proportion to the rest of my body that it’s nearly impossible to find pants to fit. If they fit my thighs, they’re about eight inches too big around the waist and I could fit my two youngest kids in the calves of them. If I find a pair that fits everywhere else, the thigh seams are destined to burst the first time I sit down. And can we talk about HAIR again?! Why, in the name of all that is holy, do I have to grow MORE hair the older I get? What is THAT about?! My “bikini line” has been creeping steadily closer and closer to my freakin’ KNEES since my mid-thirties! This is OUT OF CONTROL. My kids want me to go swimming with them and it takes me about three HOURS to shave enough hair off my body that I can be seen in a swimsuit without someone trying to shoot me with a silver bullet!



And just like with my butt, I shave and end up with a shave rash that stings and itches so bad it makes me long for a spinal block. Should I just let it grow out for a few months and run away with the circus freak show?

10. MY FEET. I used to love my feet. My left foot has a bone spur (read BUNION), which makes finding shoes difficult because that foot is about an inch wider at the ball than my right foot. I cannot wear heels over about an inch. I wore an adorable pair of high heels to my wedding in 2009, and felt a strange “POP” in my big toe area. Since that time, my big toe and the arch of my foot are tingly and numb. The bottoms of my feet have thick calluses that no amount of scraping with a Ped Egg will cure. I’ve tried all kinds of foot creams and within a couple days of giving myself a full pedicure, my feet look like Hobbit feet again. Yep, I even have to shave the tops of my big toes. Disgusting!




So now anyone who frequents my blog knows the secret of all my disgusting physical disfigurements. If you see me on the street, you are welcome to give me a “knowing nod” and giggle. No torches or pitchforks, PLEASE!

My F**K-IT List

A lot of people have been making bucket lists, you know… things that they want to do/places they want to go before they “kick the bucket” so to speak. First off, there are far, far too many things that I want to do before The Grim Reaper comes to collect me. Secondly, doing bucket list type things usually involves spending large quantities of money, and my finances are now, and probably will forever be, in the toilet. Let’s face it. Even if I were to begin planning and scrimping and saving for my bucket list RIGHT NOW, there’s no way I will be able to do even a handful of the things that I want to.

I have decided that I am now old enough to just say “NO!” to some things that I dislike and/or have no interest in, and that is almost as good as saying “Yes” to a bunch of awesome things that I’ll probably never be able to do. So… instead of a bucket list, I’m writing a f**k-it list. This is a list of things that either:

(A) I have done in the past, but now choose to never, ever do again because doing them was so unbearable; or

(B) Things that have never appealed to me in any way, and given the choice between having a root canal without anesthetic or doing them, I would choose the root canal.

Lyn’s F**k-It List

1. BELONG TO ANY ORGANIZED RELIGION. I have enough guilt, shame and fear left over from growing up in one, thank you very much! So Mr. Clergyman who lives across the street from me… although I think very highly of you as a person and enjoy chatting with you when we’re both out collecting our garbage cans on garbage day, please, Please, PLEASE stop trying to get me to come to church. I am so far beyond organized religion that I cannot even feign interest in it, but I hate being rude. So please, for the love of all that is holy, stop pestering me about it!

2. TRY TO LEARN ALGEBRA. I knew I’d never have a use for it when I was ripping my hair out in high school trying to learn it. Guess what! I’m now middle-aged and I have yet to come across any real life situation in which I needed to figure out what “x” or "y" are! And since I don’t plan on pursuing a career as a rocket scientist/civil engineer/algebra teacher in this lifetime, I choose to never look at an algebraic equation again. HA!

3. CARE WHAT MY MOTHER THINKS ABOUT ME. I love the woman, and she was a good mom to me when I was growing up, but she fails to accept the fact that I am now 41 and haven’t lived under her roof for nearly 24 years. She still insists on treating me as if I were ten years old. And she’s the most manipulative, passive-aggressive, judgmental, self-made martyr I have ever known.

4. ALLOW ANYONE (WHO DOESN’T HAVE DIRECT AUTHORITY OVER ME) TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO MANAGE MY LIFE. My husband, ex-husbands, and parents do NOT have authority over me. I am a grown up. I have lived through shit that my parents would never even comprehend. I have SURVIVED things that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I may not always make the best decisions, but I do NOT need anyone ordering me around like I’m a toddler. I will listen to suggestions, advice, even criticism, and take it under advisement. But I will not take ORDERS.

5. GO TO A DANCE CLUB. Lyn. Doesn’t. Dance. I have let people drag me along with them to dance clubs in the past because said people wanted to get their “groove on” and didn’t want to do it alone. These evenings would always involve me feeling completely underdressed, frumpy and old in the midst of the young, beautiful, trendy and cosmetically enhanced patrons, and being subjected to "music" (and I use that term very loosely) that sounded like the same exact techno beats played for a solid three hours accompanied by two racoons getting it on in a metal irrigation pipe. I didn’t dance on these outings because… Lyn. Doesn’t. Dance. I couldn’t drink because I had to drive home afterwards. I would spend the entire time wishing that I were at home curled up with a good book… or watching the tube… or sleeping… hell, even doing the laundry would have been more enjoyable! Never again! LYN. DOESN’T. DANCE!

6. BUNGEE JUMP, SKY DIVE, OR HANG GLIDE. I live my life in fear of getting maimed in a car accident. Why would I PAY my hard-earned money to exponentially increase my chances of bodily damage, dismemberment and/or death?

7. TRAVEL TO ANY THIRD WORLD COUNTRY. I can get sick enough just living here in the U.S.A. I don’t need to contract parasites, malaria or dysentery in a country that doesn’t even have the polio vaccine yet.

8. GO HUNTING. Because I have lived in Utah my entire life, I accept the fact that people like to hunt. I have even eaten venison on more than a few occasions. But it all boils down to three very important factors for me: 1) I don’t like being out in the cold weather; 2) I don’t like camping; and 3) I don’t want to kill any living thing bigger than a spider. Enough said.

9. GO SKIING. I know I’m a really poor excuse for a Utahn, but I have never had the desire to try my hand (er, foot) at skiing. I repeat, I don’t like being out in the cold. I repeat, I don’t want to suffer bodily damage, dismemberment or death. I don’t want to drive on snowy, icy roads up the side of a mountain to get to a ski resort. And then there’s the fact that most of the people who ski at the resorts here are of the young, beautiful, trendy and cosmetically enhanced variety. BAH!

10. OWN A DOG. If I wanted something that would take up that much of my time, energy and attention, I would have had another kid! Dogs smell. They take dumps and pee all over the house. They’re always jumping all over people and sniffing crotches and butts. They’re constantly barking at the least little noise. They dig through the garbage cans in the house and outdoors. They have to be bathed. They eat their own and each other’s crap. Good grief! I just realized that another kid would be LESS trouble than a dog! I’ll stick with my independent, self-cleaning, quiet, sleep-all-day, house-trained cats, thank you very much.

I'm very sorry if anyone out there in blogland was planning on inviting me to a disco at a ski resort in a third world country and planned to bring their dog and my mom along for the ride, but I think I may have a couple teeth that need root canals!

New Year's Resolutions

Well, it’s the end of one year and the beginning of another, and everyone’s asking me what my New Year’s Resolutions are. And my answer: “Lyn doesn’t make resolutions.” (Sometimes I like to speak in the third person, ya know.) It’s not that I don’t think there are approximately 4.23 gazillion things about myself that I should change. I KNOW there are. I live with myself, okay? However, I have found that I’m just not the kind of person who can resolve to do a bunch of things just because of the change of a calendar, and then follow through on those things. Change is difficult, and we all know that Lyn absolutely loathes change, and doesn’t get very excited at the prospect of doing anything difficult.

So what would be the point of my making New Year’s Resolutions? To feel like a failure at more things in my pathetic life? To have several more reasons to self-flagellate? Thanks…. but no. Just as an example for all you resolution-making people out there (and more power to the people who can resolve to do things and actually follow through with them!)… if I were going to make the typical resolutions for the beginning of a new year, it would look something like THIS:

1. Stop smoking!.... er, at least switch to the electronic cigarettes.... ok, switch to the electronic cigarettes and only allow myself one real cigarette a day.... to be more realistic, let’s make it two real cigarettes a day.... and cigarettes at social gatherings.... and by social gatherings, I mean anytime I’m around someone who’s smoking and I feel the urge to partake in the inhalation of carcinogens with them.

2. Lose that pesky 50 pounds that I’ve been carrying around on my body for the past several years!.... 40 pounds would be an improvement.... honestly, I would be happy just losing 30 pounds and fitting into a size 9 again.... make it 20 pounds.... or, hey… even If I just lost enough to fit into the jeans I was wearing last summer, that would be awesome.... let's say I’ll try to not GAIN anymore weight this year!


3. Remember all the birthdays of my close friends and family members and send cards to everyone the week before their birthdays!.... or, remember the birthdays and get the cards mailed within a week after their birthdays at the latest.... send e-cards to those that I manage to remember.... call my immediate family members on their birthdays.... write “Happy Birthday” on the Facebook page of my friends and family members who have Facebook profiles.... that is, if I happen to log on to Facebook on their birthdays and it reminds me to.


4. Volunteer somewhere at least once a week!.... I mean a month.... I would be more likely to do it, if it was quarterly.... I’ll do something next Christmas season.... how about I donate my old stuff to Goodwill.


5. Make a home cooked dinner five nights a week!... three nights a week... does Hamburger Helper count?... what about TV dinners twice a week?... greasy cheeseburgers for dinner no more than twice a week, and more “healthy” fast food the rest of the week.


6. Stop procrastinating!.... I’ve already got too much on my plate this year. I’ll put this one on next year’s list.

Christmas Wrap-Up

My Christmas was a whirlwind of organized chaos. That may not make sense to a lot of people, but the description fits my holiday season perfectly.

1. The girls made their Christmas gift lists before Thanksgiving. I like their lists, especially this year. They didn’t have anything too outrageous on them, and they each only listed 13 items.

2. The weekend after Thanksgiving, the girls walked a couple blocks to our local ShopKo and purchased two Wilton gingerbread house kits. They brought them home and with just a little assistance from me (mixing the icing and loading it into the bags), they were off and running, building and decorating their adorable, little houses.

3. We got the tree up about a week after Thanksgiving. It was a practically painless project for me. I put the three pre-lit tree pieces together and plugged the strings of lights together and the girls did the rest… fluffing up the tree branches and hanging the ornaments and candy canes. I put the star on top and the skirt around the bottom. It took us about a half an hour total, and I was fixing dinner for most of that time…

4. I started my Christmas shopping on Saturday, December 10, which was the day after payday. I spent pretty much my whole paycheck on gifts for the girls, but it only took me one afternoon and I had most the gifts on their lists checked off. I also had a blast doing this shopping with my dear friend, Caren, whom I rarely get to “go out” with.

5. I crocheted a little pink hat for my granddaughter and tied a small “silky” quilt for her on December 18.

6. We took the girls to the Festival of Lights in Spanish Fork on December 20. This is one of our Christmas traditions. It’s the best! It’s not too far from where we live, it’s only $5 per carload, and you can drive around and around the park as many times as you want.

7. I made a “tacky” Christmas sweater for my work party that was held on December 22… and won the “Ugly Christmas Sweater” contest!

8. I took the afternoon of December 23 off work. It was payday, and I finished most of the rest of my Christmas shopping. Then it was off to my biological father’s family Christmas party in West Jordan. That house was so packed full of people it was difficult to move, let alone chat with everyone. This is the first Christmas since I found my father, so it was nice to be invited to share in one of his family’s traditions.

9. First thing in the morning of Christmas Eve, I ran around town picking up the last few gifts I needed to buy. I picked up the girls and we went out to lunch. Then my little elves wrapped all the presents (except those from Father Christmas of course). Our little cat, Maddie, tried to be an elf also, but she was, in truth, a destructive, gift wrap tearing, ribbon eating little beastie. I tidied up a bit and the girls went to bed after I read them “A Visit from St. Nicholas”. Then Santa got to work. It only took about 15 minutes to stuff stockings and wrap gifts in the special Santa paper. I got to go to bed at 11:00! I believe this was the first Christmas in about 22 years that I have made it to bed before 1:00 a.m. It was a Christmas miracle!

10. Christmas morning started dark and early… 6:30 a.m. The girls were very happy with their gifts, and I’ve got to tell you… they were more excited to see me open my gifts than they were to open their own. They even let Corbin and me open our special gifts BEFORE they opened their gifts from Santa Claus. Another Christmas miracle! The girls played their Wii games for awhile and let the adults rest a bit. Then we all got ready and made the trip to my parents’ house. We were the first ones there… another Christmas miracle!

11. Almost everyone in my family was there. Most importantly, my son, Anthony, had flown in from Nevada for Christmas. I hadn’t seen him since June. We made and ate smoked turkey and/or ham sandwiches, baked potatoes and pie… lots of pie. We all exchanged gifts and watched as everyone took turns opening (my family’s tradition). There was a lot of laughter and love, as always.

12. Left my parents’ house and went to my wife-in-law’s parent’s house in Provo to drop off their gifts. My girls got to spend some time with their sister, Indigo, and their “Aunt Christy”, “Aunt Nikki” and “Grandma Sindy”. We hung out for awhile and then headed home for another round of family togetherness.

13. We live with my in-laws, so my husband’s family party is where we live. My mother-in-law made some spiral cut ham, homemade mac and cheese and potato salad. A lot of the family showed up and the girls had a lot of cousins to hang out with for a few hours. Then we dragged our exhausted selves to bed.

14. I took a bunch of “kids” to Jump On It in Lindon the day after Christmas. Anthony, Danielle (and her husband, Tyson), Maya, Penelope, my niece, Serenity, and my granddaughter, Addalie. The girls had a blast. My adult kids… not so much. They are realizing that you can’t do as much when you get older without it causing aches and pains in your aging body. LOL! It was good to all be together and for all my kids to get to spend some time together doing something fun.

15. Later that night some of the family went out to eat at Village Inn. Delicious comfort food as always… and pie! It was the last time I’d get to see Anthony, as his flight was the next morning at 6:00. I’m glad we got a chance to spend a little more time with him.

16. And it’s not over yet! My brother, Brandon and his fiancée just flew in yesterday, and I need to get over to my parents’ house to see them. And, my birth mother and her husband are coming to our house this Saturday to exchange gifts.

It was the best Christmas I have had in a long, long time. I even managed to mail out all my Christmas cards in time for everyone to get them BEFORE Christmas. And with the girls doing most of the “grunt work”, I was able to relax and enjoy more of the season than I have in years! I would have taken pictures, but my camera’s been broken for awhile now. I took a few with Maya’s new camera, and maybe I’ll post them sometime in the near future.

How I Feel This Week

Evocations of Christmas Past ~ December 20, 1999



"Spirit!" said Scrooge in a broken voice, "remove me from this place."

"I told you these were shadows of the things that have been," said the Ghost. "That they are what they are, do not blame me!"

"Remove me!" Scrooge exclaimed, "I cannot bear it!"

He turned upon the Ghost, and seeing that it looked upon him with a face, in which in some strange way there were fragments of all the faces it had shown him, wrestled with it.

"Leave me! Take me back. Haunt me no longer!"

~ Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol


Some memories don't fade.
Some wounds don't heal completely. Ever.
Sometimes there aren't "do-overs".
Some choices haunt you for the rest of your life.

More Random Christmas Memories

My siblings and I used to put on a Christmas pageant for our parents. I was always Mary, my brother, Joel, was Joseph, my brother, Brandon, was usually a shepherd, and my baby sister, Emily, was Baby Jesus. We wore robes and tied bath towels on our heads. The manger was our red vinyl beanbag chair. Just thinking about it makes me laugh.


Here are the four of us on one little sled: Me, Joel, Brandon and Emily






My dad always used his pocket knife to unwrap his gifts, and offered it to anyone who had trouble with ribbon on a gift or tape on a box. Nothing says “Christmas” like a small, sharp knife.

Santa Claus always put fresh oranges, pears and apples in our stockings, along with nuts still in their shells. Inevitably, our stockings were full of a rotting, gooey fruit and nut science experiment about the middle of January.

My mom would usually put away one gift for each of us until New Year’s. I grew up thinking that everyone got a gift on New Year’s.

My dad would take us caroling around the neighborhood, and then make his famous hot cocoa for us when we got home.


Dad pulling me on a sled in the back yard ~ 1973




We children usually all slept in my room on Christmas Eve. A couple kids in the bed and a couple in sleeping bags on the floor. Lots of giggling! Chidren's anticipation of Christmas morning so thick you could cut it with a knife (maybe my dad’s pocket knife). I don’t know how late we usually stayed awake, but I do remember how difficult it was to go to sleep on Christmas Eve.

Our family always had Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve evening, and cold turkey sandwiches on rolls on Christmas Day.

Watching all the Bass/Rankin stop motion Christmas specials on television… and the cartoons (How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol…). This was back before people had VCR’s in their homes, or cable television for that matter. We waited all YEAR to see these specials, and if we missed a special, we MISSED it until the next year.

My mom’s side of the family always had a Christmas party in December. Everyone brought pot luck to eat. We all SANG carols together, while someone in the family accompanied on the piano. We drew names each year for who we would give a gift to the next year. Santa Claus almost always showed up to these parties. No one sings at family Christmas parties anymore. Maybe that’s a tradition I can start with my kids and my siblings (hint, hint).

Ice skating at the Provo Boat Harbor.

Sledding down the hill (road) in front of our house.

Tubing by the beaver farm across the street from our house or Japs Hill. (Sorry, I know that’s politically incorrect, but that’s what that hill has been called since my dad was a little kid in the 1940’s.)

Building snowmen with my dad in the back yard and not thinking anything of the fact that he NEVER wore gloves.


Joel, Frosty and Me ~ 1977






And Christmas music... so much Christmas music! Jim Reeves, Nat King Cole, Dean Martin, Elvis Presley, Perry Como, Bing Crosby, Gene Autry, Burl Ives, and on and on, and it was playing in our house beginning November 1. I know this is where I got my love for Christmas music.


Dad (without gloves OR jacket) building a snowman with Joel and Brandon ~ 1979

Christmas Morning Traditions ~ So Many Christmas Memories

Christmas morning was full of traditions in my family. As a kid, a lot of these “traditions” seemed more like “rules” though. Once I had walking, talking kids of my own, who were very literally bouncing off the walls on Christmas morning, chomping at the bit to get to the presents… well, I suddenly understood my parents’ traditions.

First rule, er... I mean tradition: We children waited in our rooms until after we heard dad go downstairs to light a fire in the fireplace. This kept all the kids under control and out of my parents’ hair until THEY were ready to start the craziness.

Second tradition: The family ate Christmas breakfast (cinnamon toast and orange juice) together. This gets something besides candy (although cinnamon sugar on toast is a little iffy here) inside the kids’ tummies before they dump out the stockings and start gorging on chocolate and candy canes.

Third tradition: Dad, and ONLY DAD, went downstairs to get the home movie camera ready to go. This was not a video camera. This was an old silent home movie camera with a GIANT light affixed to the top for indoor lighting purposes. The kids lined up at the top of the stairs with mom supervising, and when dad had the camera rolling, we went down the stairs in a somewhat orderly fashion and checked out the gifts Santa Claus had brought. Let me tell you, that light on top of the camera made it pretty difficult to even make it down the stairs, let alone see what Santa brought for us. I think we all were seeing blue halos for at least a couple hours every Christmas morning. My parents wanted to get all our reactions on film. I’m glad they did. Those old home movies are so much fun to watch now.

Fourth tradition: We all sat together and each took turns opening gifts. This was so my parents could see our reactions to each of the gifts. And it made the whole holiday last longer than if it were just a big free-for-all.

Now I’ve never been as organized and with it as my parents were. I tried to make my kids stay in their rooms until I got up on Christmas morning, but around age six, they weren’t so compliant in this department. So Santa Claus started wrapping his gifts so the kids couldn’t just walk into the living room and see what they got. I don’t really do breakfast, so how can I expect my kids to, especially on Christmas morning?! I’m lucky if I can manage to make a cup of coffee before everything turns to chaos.

I’ve never had a video camera, so I try to remember to leave the regular camera in the living room on Christmas Eve so I can at least get a few snapshots to remember the moments as they fly past. The one Christmas morning tradition that I have held tightly to is the taking of turns to open gifts. I spend a lot of time and money picking out gifts, and I want to see my kids’ reactions to them.

Most people want to do “better” than their parents did. When it comes to Christmas, there is no way possible that I could do better. I can’t even do “mediocre” compared to them, they set the bar so high. Congratulations, guys! You’ve bested all of your children! And I love you for it!